Monday, 11 October 2010

Are you there, God? It's me, FK.

Dear God,

As you know, I've been to Mass for a few consecutive weeks recently, so I think that I may have banked enough points to ask for a few things.

God, please may I grow some willpower? This evening I became one of those women. I went to weekly Weigh In at Slumming World and have lost 1/2 pound. Yes, that's 8 whole ozs. So, dear Lord, why can't I become someone with some will power?

And God - please let me learn to keep my temper and not snap at people at work. Via Office Messenger. As if I don't have enough 'noise', what with email and SMS bulletins and voicemails and, and, and. Now, when I'm rushing to get some meaningless shit together for a meeting which I'm supposed to be chairing and had forgotten about, I get an annoying flashing orange tab on my monitor.

Flash. Flash. Still here! Flash. And it's usually someone moaning on about something. 'FK, so and so won't do the wotsit on the do-dah, blah blah blah.' The office equivalent of dinner lady playground duty with a tugging the house coat. 'Miss! Miss! Cynthia Pringle won't let me play with Tiny Tears... Miss, Miss!'

Sorry for the shit earlier, God, didn't mean to swear. Although you've probably heard worse than shit today, haven't you?

And God, when I stand up in church and ask for help and donations for the Christmas Bazaar, please stop people visiting the church lobby and dumping all of their sh..., sorry God, their rubbish which they appear to have been saving ALL YEAR instead of recyling. Why do they leave an opened plastic bottle of hamburger relish (Best Before April 2007), in the Bottle Stall box? And why, when I ask for empty jars for the jam and chutney, God, do they leave jars...but no lids?

I know that you're really busy, but could you stop me feeling sorry for myself when my son's Facebook profile shows his 'Home Town' as my Ex's place of residence? 100 miles away. And when he lists my Ex as parent, but there is no mention of me?

Finally, God, please throw some patience my way. I get so frustrated with so many people. People in traffic jams, shop queues, across the kitchen table, on conference calls. People breathing too loudly or eating with their mouths open (Husband and Son respectively, as you know, God). I get frustrated waiting to pay at Tescos, at the library, walking along the street behind a dolly-day-dream daudler. God, I think that patience is the thing I want the most, can you make it happen, please? I will need some help, God, willpower would help.

Which reminds me, God, please may I grow some willpower?.....

10 comments:

Lady Perkleton said...

Willpower? WILLPOWER? Who needs that when you're a role model, beacon of inspiration and your team would jump off a cliff for you? Still, its heading in the right direction and at least you've got someone else with no willpower to help you through now :-)

Potty Mummy said...

I was going to ask Santa about a very similar list (with, as you know, one or two additions) - but I think you're right, should probably redirect that e-mail to Him Upstairs...

Footballers Knees said...

Lady P - oh please, you're embarrassing me...go on, what else did they say?

PM - Didn't you know that Santa is God's second cousin, twice removed? A letter to either of them will do.

This Mid 30s Life said...

Stuff the willpower, just book a good massage.

Chris said...

Good post......I cannot count how many times I have made that bargain with God...and God love him despite it all he is still there or thereabouts!!!
Like you I wish he was a member of Weight Watchers and was there at my right hand as I reach for the Bournville......am wondering if he will relocate to Cyprus for the next 2 wks of my all inclusive fun??????

Alcoholic Daze (ADDY) said...

I could do with some willpower right now. I bought loads of chocolate yesterday to see me over the weekend and I've eaten a good half of it already!!!

Lou said...

Answerphone message.....(female's voice obviously)

'Hi, this is God, sorry I missed your call. Please leave a message after the tone... Oh, if you're calling about the willpower or patience special offer, I'm afraid we're all out.'

Personally you sound perfect to me, you've written the thoughts we all have daily. Good on you. x

Dulwich Divorcee said...

If God does throw a bit of willpower your way do you think you could save a crumb or two and chuck it my way? I could really do with it. Very impressed with the 8 oz weightloss, I seem to put on at least 8 oz a week, EVERY week, which means I soon won't be able to get to Tesco even to lose my temper with the checkout girl.

This Mid 30s Life said...

Happy new year Footballers Knees!! What's become of you, you've been very quiet? Hope all is OK?

Gem said...

Hello! I have given you an award over at my blog. Really love yours, it's a bit different!
Love Gem x